I'll get the ball rolling.

Three guys decide to skip Christmas Mass and go ice fishing. As luck would have it, all three fell through the ice and drown.

As they stand at The Pearly Gates, St. Peter is not happy. He say's "Today is Christmas, you should have been in church with your wives, but you decided to go ice fishing instead".

"If any one of you can show me that you had the Christmas Sprit today, I'll let you into heaven".

The first guy thinks about it for a moment, and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys. He shakes them and says, "These are Jingle Bells". St. Peter thinks about it and says, "OK, you're in".

The second guy thinks about it for a moment, and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cigarette lighter. He lights it and says, "This is a Christmas candle". St. Peter thinks about it and says, "OK, you're in".

The third guy is nervous. He's thinking and thinking; finally he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of women's panties, sniffs them, and says "These are Carol's".

:-)
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ahhhhhh!
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:-):-)
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I prefer my Holiday jokes to be funny over tasteless, but to each his own. :-) :-)
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So were Carol's panties tasteless? Poor Carol ...
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A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it.
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Solid!
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LMAO!!! :-)
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:-)
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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
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:-)
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Any one liners?
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Take my wife......please.
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Good one, Chief.
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:-)

These are great!
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I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!
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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
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+1 :-)
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Why doesn't Santa have any children?

He only comes once a year.
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:-) Very good!
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