Mom: (Mass text) Did anyone see my broom.
Dad: Why? Are you going somewhere

Me: What time are you picking me up?
Dad: Who is this?
Me: Your son
Dad: How did you get this number?
Me: I programmed your phone
Dad: How do I delete people?

Me: Did mom have a c-section with me?
Dad: Yep that's right you weren't born, you were surgically removed...like a tumor.

Dad: Your grandpa took a dump in a customers front yard.
Me: HE DID WHAT?!
Dad: He was walking to the van and he tripped on some cement.
Me: ...and sh!t himself?
Dad: What? no what's wrong with you?

Me: Dad, prepare to disown me.
Dad: DID YOU BUY A JUSTIN BEIBER CD?!

Me: Hey dad can you tell me when you get this?
dad: Nope, too busy pretending that my snuggie is a Hogwarts robe.

Dad: I'm disappointed in you
Me: What did I do?
Dad: I saw those pictures on Facebook. I thought I raised you better than to drink Bud Light.

Me: Dad can you leave me some money to go to the movies?
Dad: My sweet little parasite. That's why this planet has things called jobs.

Dad: I HAVE BIG TEXT NOW
Me: Cool
Dad: I EAT YOUR TINY TEXTS!

Mom: He was one of those people who wear black tight jeans, with that weird hair that covers one eye. You know...nemo.

Me: Got an A in Chem!
Mom: WTF, well done
Me: What do you think WTF means
Mom: Wow That's Fantastic

Me: Ok thanks Dad! <3
Dad: What is that? a butt with a cone?

Mom: You left your phone on the counter!

Mom: If you see your dad with the label-maker, take it from him! I keep finding stickers all around the house that say "Doug is cool."

Mom: I saw a hobo on the side of the road with a sign that said "hungry hungry hobo" I couldn't stop laughing.

Dad: Go in the kitchen and make me a sandwich. Love dad
Me: I wish i had a comeback for that.
Dad: Well all I know is that you had better comeback with a Goddam sandwhich.

Me: But all of my friends at going! What will I tell them?
Dad: Well tell them that your parents are b!itches

Me: Can I sleep over at Kates?
Mom: nocomehomenowandwhereisthespacebutton

Me: Make me a sandwich
Dad: Poof! you're a sandwich
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:-) :-) :-)
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"Mom: You left your phone on the counter!"

Took me a second. Hilarious. :-)
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Yeah, these were pretty good.

Probably a thread here somewhere already... but you will literally hurt yourself laughing.

www.damnyouautocorrect.com
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thats damn funny, thanks for sharing.
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I also like failbook.com
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Thanks... now I gotta clean the screen....:-):-)
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:-):-)
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:-):-):-) Just laughed my a$$ off reading these to my wife.
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Poor Grandpa! :-):-):-)
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:-):-):-) brought a tear to my eye
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WTF!!!:-)

:-):-):-)
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:-)
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The 1st time I read this I DID hurt myself from laughing.
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:-) "Mom: You left your phone on the counter!" :-)

My favorite!
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WTF!!!:-):-)
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:-)
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That's great. Cudos
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OMG! I woke your mother up laughing at some of these!
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A lot of funny ones, but these two were my favorite! :-)
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