...where I've been and why I haven't been on the board for a while, both here and at our previous home (boy, did that ever take a turn for the worst), so I figured I'd get it all out at once rather than having to tell it over and over again...and I guess I've been mum about it all, for the last two years, up until now, because I hate whining as everyone has good and bad in their lives but the depression has been getting to me and I've no one to talk to about any of this as my family is mostly useless...
When I was 6-1/2 years old I suffered a mild case of polio about a year before the vaccines hit the streets...flash forward about 54 years...I threw my back out or that's what I thought it was...as it turned out, I am suffering from what they call post polio syndrome which can strike anywhere from 10 to 40 years after the onset of the virus...guess I'm lucky I got away with 55 years but the downside to that is that I've been walking around for that long with my hips on an angle because one leg is just short enough (than the other) for this to occur, and no one thought of telling me over the years that I should have been wearing a built up shoe so my hips would be mostly level like normal...sooo, the x-rays showed my spine is curved now and the pain is really bad...hurts like hell to have to walk or stand so I'm shuffling around with a cane now...sitting and laying down are okay though, no pain...can't get any pain meds as the docs know I'd gobble up everything I could get my hands on so they're trying to keep from getting me addicted to something but really haven't come up with a way to deal with it yet...this started sometime in 2007, when I sort of disappeared from everything, herfs and what not, as I don't get out much anymore and so much for trying to do any exercise (exercycle) to keep my weight in check so I gained about 20 pounds...
Enter 2008...for several years I'd known I was pre-diabetic insulin resistant (my grandfather was a type 2 insulin-dependant diabetic and died at age 67 of a stroke & heart attack...I'm 63 now)...as anyone who has it knows, type 2diabetes is a progressive disease and after four years of trying to keep it in check they diagnosed me as a full-blown type 2 diabetic near the beginning of the year...at first they tried to control it with oral medications but most of them wrecked my gut as I had two bowel resections about 30 years ago due to Crohn's disease (Ileitis & Colitis) so now I'm on insulin...around the same time as this was going on (Feb '08), Marie (my other half) was diagnosed with colon cancer...fortunately the cancer cells were in a polyp that was removed, but it required her to have a bowel resection also, because they had to make sure there were clean margins within 5 inches each way from the polyp, so they took out about ten inches of her bowel in April, last year...we're like opposite twins...they took out material on the right side from me and the left side from her...While all of this was going on, my youngest son decided to get married and have the wedding on a 7-day cruise in June, which he knew we couldn't afford, and we were both to ill to attend...Marie was recuperating, and there's no way I could walk the long corridors of a ship...aside from other problems regarding his choice of spouse, I begged him to have the ceremony on land and then go on the cruise (as he lives in Orlando and we could have gone there, or Fort Lauderdale, or even Miami)...what bothered me most of all about this was that I gave up half my adult life to raise him as a single father from the time he was three until he was nineteen and went to college...needless to say, the arguments got so bad that I have not seen him for three years and haven't talked to him for the last two...this really added to everything and took me pretty low, depression-wise...
But wait, the gods of irony weren't quite done with me yet...comes the stock market crash and shortly thereafter I get a notice that my trust fund (that I get every January 1) was hit so hard there would be no payouts for 2009, thus wiping out about 3/4 of my income for the coming year (2009)...the only good thing was that I turned 63 and was eligible for social security...unfortunately my car broke down and the repairs would cost about two months worth of social security, which we needed to live on as Marie's income for 2008 was hit by her surgery and long recuperation time...which put us against a wall financially...so, no vehicle to use during the day when Marie's at work now...with zilch income and no car it also made it impossible for me to get weekly orthopedic treatments for my back, so it's just been getting worse...between no car, the back thing, and my age, going back to work isn't an option at the moment...good thing we have excellent medical from Marie's workplace (that, and the fact that she has a job)...I guess that's something on the plus side...
As far as my family, I don't talk to two of my brothers because they're violent lunatics and I stay out of their way, my mother is 87 and unable to help, and my father, who is 88, is so wealthy that he could make all of this go away with a wave of the checkbook, but he lives in a dream world of his own (financed by all the money) and just believes everything is okay with everybody, just as it is with him...if you try and talk about any of it to him he just says "uh huh, I have to go" and cuts the conversation short...since my parents are divorced, my mother has no sway with him...and when he divorced my mother he basically tried to divorce my bothers and myself too, and when he remarried and had another son, he basically gave him everything that we never got from him...we're the poster children for an example of an extremely dysfunctional family...
There's more, but mostly smaller stuff like everyone deals with but with all this going on those little things just make it a bit worse...this has all gotten to be so overwhelming that I don't know what the hell to do, and to make it even worse, I still don't know whether the trust fund recovered enough to pay out in January, 2010...if it doesn't, Marie and I are really, totally screwed...
So basically, I've just been too down to see or talk to anybody and spend most of my days sitting on the couch watching TV, just to try and numb my brain...that helps a bit, along with alcohol to further along the numbing, but even there I have to be real careful as diabetes and alcohol don't exactly get along...booze can really jack up your blood sugar if you're not careful...so health-wise I guess I haven't done that well in my life...first polio, then Crohn's disease, and now diabetes...and, I need to exercise, diet, and loose about 30 or 40 pounds, because the doctor says if I loose the weight it will help bring the diabetes under better control, but being unable to exercise because of my back pretty much leaves me sitting here in an "I don't have a clue what to do at this point" state of mind...
So there you have it...I guess that's pretty much most of it but I'm not really looking forward to 2010, because each year lately seems to bring more problems with it...I really have to try and find a way to turn all of this around but at the moment it seems pretty bleak...
But, I'm still not sure whether posting this is the best thing to do or not...I usually try and keep things a bit more close to the vest...and I'll probably survive it all as I usually do...okay, done whining...guess I just needed to vent all of this a bit, but its not easy baring one's soul this way...thanks for listening...
(Aside to myself) Okay, guy...bite the bullet and hit submit...you've been staring at this long enough...this is not easy to do...
[Reply]
Marc,
I broke my back two years ago. I've spent most of those days since looking at the ceiling going through and recovering from surgery. I also have a genetic condition called Dystonia (it's like Parkinson's) that makes my entire body go ridgid from my neck down. It commonly puts me in bed for two or three days in a row. I lost 65 pounds, and I'm almost dead.
I lost 80% of three of my pensions, have no income to speak of, and my now ex-girlfriend wrecked all my cars half a dozen times.
I can go on forever...
Point is, I get by on Love, God, and "f8ck it".
I couldn't be happier, and I'll take whatever's next be it better or worse.
It still beats the hell out of feeling like you do right now.
If you want to talk, I'd be happy to shoot the sh!t with you. You can call me or whatever. The worst thing a guy can do is go it alone. We all need help, brother.
Feeling better is as simple as picking a perspective that doesn't make me feel like putting a bullet in my head. It's easy, really.
It's all in the red words. Christ said "
"And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son." There's not one ounce of bullsh!t in that. I've tested it carefully, time and time again.
:-)
[Reply]
