(Begin lengthy story)

There's a young lady I talk to online, from Nova Scotia. Not giving the town in case one of the Canucks sees this; with my luck, it'd be hell to pay.

We met on Facebook; her friend had some songs on Youtube I liked, so I added him there. We've since drifted apart, but "Katie" and I started talking about five months ago. The girl was in love with me, and believe me, I'm quite sure she meant it - she was all set to come see me in school last October, but things got bad between us before that date.

It's not that I don't love or care about her, but a few months ago, I started talking to a cousin of one of my local friends; she lives in Florida, but her dad lives in the town my college is in, and "Mary" was going to come see me this December on break - again, things turn bad beforehand.

Women get jealous of each other, I'm aware of that, and I recognize that I should've laid out ground rules with Katie long beforehand; Mary came along, and I thought that maybe dating someone in-country, who was 'closer' would be easier. Never mind the fact that Kissimmee may be farther than the Canadian border - Nova Scotia's a freakin' island, isn't it?

Of course Katie is hurt, she's upset, she's not speaking to me. Somehow, Mary managed to smooth that over, and we were at least close friends. I bought Mary a birthday present - paid twenty bucks for some art pencils, she does good work, and she was ecstatic. She told me her father forgot her birthday; we talked nightly, and 'slept together,' literally, over the phone :-) I thought she like-liked me lol.

And then, I think her ex talked her into the thought that I was 'playing the field' with both of these girls; the @ss even had the audacity to send me a message on Facebook stating how sickened and "offended" he was that I was using these women.

To close the letter, he told me to lose the tweed cap and Boswell briar pipe because I looked like a dumb@ss, and he signed the note with his name, and continues with a postscript telling me how to pronounce it, making it sound regal. Chamness is "Cham-wah" or something...yes, I thought Sham Wow :-)

So Mary and Katie are both pissed at me. I wasn't intentionally doing any harm, it just happened. Mary's deleted me from her contacts since...convenient, and Katie and I still talk, and Katie talks to Mary, but Katie told me she can't wait forever for me, and she's got a new boyfriend...trust me, Katie and I were close and had been until the other girl. Stupid Kegan.

***possibly offending details***

Katie's always had a hard life. Her mom walked off after the birth, her dad's a lush, and she was molested/raped by her godfather for a few years when she was at least seven, if I recall...she can't listen to Johnny Cash because he always played him and she's terrified of him. I quit chewing partially because he chewed, and I know it bothered her.

She'd been into hard drugs, told me she quit about twelve or thirteen. I'm talking meth, heroin, etc.; "Canadian tobacco" is salad green compared to that business :-).

She'd been in an abusive relationship, and if any of you know about my psychotic outburst (check my recent posts) due to my pills; she said she'd never been more nervous in her life - it was like a flashback. I kept assuring her that I wasn't him, and I'd hurt myself before I laid a finger on her; naturally, she doesn't believe me. Scared and paranoid. Hell, it scared me, I'm getting help. I've never lost it, and all I did was get mad and slam the laptop shut, throw a massage pad as best I could across the room, and knock a microphone over because I couldn't wrap the cord and slide it back in the plastic.

Anyway, out of this abusive relationship comes this friend, "Tom" from school, and I guess he essentially restored her; found her lying at the bottom of some basement steps after the boyfriend beat her pretty badly. I don't recall if the boyfriend used a bat, or Tom did to basically keep the bastage at bay and away from Katie. They were close (this was before I knew her) dated, etc. but a few months ago, he told her out of the blue that he didn't ever want to see her again, something along those lines laced with profanities. Katie was devastated, of course. And I was there for her then.

***Graphic details end***

Let me add that Mary at this time, for all purposes is a peripheral character; we were 'friendly' but it was getting colder.

Katie and he just recently made up somewhat a few weeks; he initiated it. I think it's because he broke up with his girlfriend, you know how that goes - some guys can't be alone. Katie says it's awkward talking to him. Yeah, no chit girl. And after I finally had her convinced he was worthless.

I trust her, she's a sincere girl, and I recently sent her a large sum of money to pay some debts she owed rent-wise. She's supposed to send me a box of items; I asked for them so it wouldn't seem like I was pitying her...I wasn't, but I'm just too caring and I worry about her. I'll get the stuff when she gets the money (she's a cashier) and I believe that.

Before the money incident, one day getting a ride home from work, she was raped. Yeah. Got pregnant. She was going to keep the baby, didn't want to be like her mother and abandon it, but she miscarried. Hand to God and on my knees, maybe that was for the best, given her situation.

She lives with her brother and grandparents. Near a highway. She bought a beautiful husky-ish puppy. And she caught the swine flu...they thought it was Bell's Palsy, if I recall. Anyway, and this kills me, she let the dog out to do her thing and...the house is next to the highway. Poor thing died on the way to the vet. She couldn't run after her.

[Pauses to cry, looks over at the dogs on his bed]

She lost the baby, she lost her dog, she lost her friend, and she lost her innocence - numerous times when younger, and then that work incident. She wouldn't press charges because she told me chit was different in Canada, and they wouldn't give her a damn, or a second glance if she called in a rape, because of her past - I don't know if she was arrested as an adult (she's twenty). I finally talked her into it, but I don't remember what happened. She was also to testify against her godfather for the sexual abuse, but the @#%! had a damn good lawyer, and hers advised her it was pointless.

Lastly, in a way, she feels like she lost me, too, thanks to Mary. Mary's ignoring me, but the damage is done. Katie and I are friends, but she's got a boyfriend.

(End background info)

And, like I knew would happen, I'm jealous as can be. Today's even his birthday, hahaha.

Anyway, I showed her a solar globe on this site. Click on the inscription, and read it. That's her actual name, and it fit the both of us, eerily

She got looking around and said she felt bad she didn't have the funds to buy her grandmother anything nice, after all the years of raising her and her brother. She showed me a photo frame, and commented how she'd personalize it for her.

Folks, I have money. I have a big heart, and she means the world to me (really wanted to buy that damn globe, in black). So, I told a small fib, well, partial truths, said it was for a family member who liked photography, as a birthday gift. (lie, truth, lie...wait, don't two wrongs make a right? lol). I asked her how she would place the inscription, on the top of the frame, or the bottom.

She should have caught on, and I feel a little bad, but I ordered it for her, and plan to send it as a possibly-early birthday gift.

Now, she has a boyfriend, and after my outburst, she said she's afraid to trust me...she just doesn't seem to understand that pills sometimes overreact...my muscle relaxant worked for a bit, but now I have a neck and head ache. I don't feel bad sending her a gift because I don't think (going by high school rules, here) they'll last that long...

[however, she stayed with the abuser for like, three years out of fear, and when he calls her to go to a party, she does it. Months ago, he IMed her, claiming he'd changed, begging her to go out with him. I begged her not to, told her she was a tad stupid to think he'd matured, but he 'melted her heart' online; she came back and said he'd hurt her; I got no details and Sarah refuses to go to the police...poor girl's sick of the courts. Ironically, before she went back to high school to make up some credit hours, she was going to college/uni to be a lawyer...go figure.]

Anyway, she's with this guy, but I'm sending this frame regardless.

To ask a simple question after all of that...stuff, am I doing wrong?

I plan to send her a letter explaining myself, but I just want to see that she's taken care of unlike the others have done, even if it is by buying her gifts and such...the 'I love you' scales have switched, and I don't want to think about her not being around or see her get hurt any longer; there's a video of me on Facebook, I stopped writing to record, where I bawl and apologize for not being able to be there for her physically through the years. Never mind the fact that I 'don't really know' her, because it feels like I do after all of this.

Please keep in mind that she's been hurt in almost every way possible, and she still seems as strong as steel; she has nightmares, I'm told by her about the early days, but she's a very sweet girl and generally chipper.

I'm doing this out of love and consideration, but what do you all think, religious and non-religious alike? Do you believe that the Higher Being/karma would help me for helping her?

Again, that is not my reason for this, nor am I trying to 'win her back'. I just want to know that I made her happy, even if it is for the last time in life, if she's too upset with me.

I also plan on sending her http://www.amazon.com/George-Jones-Golden-Tammy-Wynette/dp/B00005YUOC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1261899001&sr=8-1>]this DVD because she loves him as much as I do, and http://www.amazon.com/Stoner-Spaz-Ron-Koertge/dp/B002XUM1TI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261899101&sr=8-1>]this book because it's so close to me, it's almost scary...on a related note, the author is a cinephile (loves movies/movie buff basically) and I read on the back that he lives in the house where John Carpenter's 1978 Halloween was filmed.

Sorry for the long and a little disturbing post...I just write and this stuff comes out...which is a shame, in a way, but on different planes...magical.

Mods, I assume this is an open forum, and my content counts as free speech? I'm disgusted having to write all of that to ask a question, but I felt people needed as exact a picture as I could give. Any confusion to the info, ask.

A very drained -

Kegan
[Reply]

Yes, you look like a dumb@ss in a tweed cap.

:-)


In all seriousness, giving should be done freely with no expectation of any kind of return, even a karmic one. Then you are not giving, you are buying. Be happy to do something that may brighten her day a bit. We give gifts because it makes us feel good to do so, that is all the return we should expect. I do believe in the good will and blessings of God, but that comes from attempting to do his will, not giving in expectation of return.
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I'll have you know sir that this cap...covers my thinning hair :-) and thanks...I think. The insult may or may not negate the good advice. Only karma will tell :-)

Re-reading that, it does sound like I'm asking for karma points, but those are given so freely on this board, I don't need any more at the moment...if I lose any, it's because I ate some bad Pufferfish :-)

Careful sir, play your hand very carefully in life :-)

I suppose my main question should be "Did I do wrong in giving so much?" I mean, I know her, but I've never met her, yet I send her $300 Canadian in good faith, and I sure hope faith pays off in regards to the goods.

Her Christmas card, and a Robert Frost I bought her were also much cheaper gestures, and now a $60 photo frame. Do you suppose there's a limit?

Obviously lol.
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I think you forgot to put "Dear Livejournal" at the start of your post. :-)
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I should slap you :-) but that would make me emo, and only prove your point :-)

I've never used LiveJournal...or even my Blogger account lol. I said, I just thought showing past scenarios might help in solving my current query.

I'll take "Neurotic poster" for $1000, Alex. The one in the tweed seat cover.
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man what a thing to read at 9am on a sunday morning
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Since when can you read? :-)
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dont know if i ever wana read ever again after seeing that i think i may just burn my eyes out
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If it was me I think I would cut my losses and try to find a girl that lives in the same state as I do. But thats just me and what the heck do I know.
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I have a lot of Marshall Tucker in me.
Add to that, last I checked, they were stamping out women every day.
If I get a whiff of drama, I just go "next".
My newest girlfriend has lasted 4 months, which in shilala terms is pretty much a lifetime. If it gets past two weeks, it usually lasts about three years.
I guess my point is this...
Don't get your panties all wadded up so much. :-)
[Reply]

Panties? She didn't mention panties...

OH! :-) now...somebody please PM, and post here that you did, how to properly make a word a click-able link; half the time it works, the other half, I get the web address and the word together...talk about throwing a computer out a second-story window xD Windows out the window.
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Maybe find someone closer that you can be with physically instead of on the computer? Maybe it will allow your true self to shine through quicker. I dated a girl from Antarctica and it just didn't pan out with me living in Jersey and all :-)
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If I may; it seems that you need to forget about women for a while, completely. Judging from this, and your previous thread, you need to direct your energies toward yourself before you can have enough to spare for anyone else. This girl in Nova Scotia has more problems than you can, or should deal with, given your own issues. You can't help her. Only she can straighten out her life, and only you can straighten out yours. I would recommend that you get your meds corrected, concentrate on school, and endeavor to create an orderly, disciplined life for yourself. I've been through a lot in life, myself; I was orphaned at 8, I was homeless after I got out of the Navy, and I'd lost everything I had, twice. Except loosing my parents, everything that happened to me was a direct result of decisions I made. Each time, I strapped some b@lls on, and I persevered. Through all that I found that people are the architects of their own misery, and as Abe Lincoln once said: a person is only as happy as they make up their minds to be. I hope this isn’t too harsh, but you’re an adult, and you should start conducting your life like an adult. Be well, and good luck! :-)
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you use the tags [ url=http://here the web addres ] here the clickable text[ /url] and just lose the spaces
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Run..Forrest..run.
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Shop locally. Stay away from drama queens and women with a truck full of baggage and problems. Women like that only make your life worse and worse, their life never gets uncomplicated. Sounds harsh, but the best advice I could give, Keegan.
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My :-), I would be leary of sending anyone online money and gifts who I have never met before. Who's to say it's not all a hoax. Not trying to rain on a parade but you never know these days.
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Sage advice, Pete. Been there, done that. I would move on, Kegan.
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You sound like what my daughter is dealing with. I told her that people that try to date from keyboards have something to hide. There is something about being able to look at someones face as you talk to them that makes things make sense. I agree go local and if the turn you down it was there choice, that doesnt mean there is something wrong with you. It means they dont like that flavor of jelly bean.
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Dude, common, On line relation ships that far away will never work out. Find a nice girl close to home. It will make your life much easier.:-)
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