Variation on Tom's quote:

"Don't piss in my boot and tell me it's raining."
[Reply]

"Go fish."
"Close (or almost) counts when you play with horseshoes or handgranades."
"It might not look like it, but I'm crying on the inside."
[Reply]

"Eat every carrot and pea on your plate."
[Reply]

let me know how that works out for you
[Reply]

........after a piss match...........
"Have a wonderful day".
[Reply]

"you look as nervous as a cat trying to cover up crap on a marble floor" :-)
[Reply]

i gots a few ofem,

life aint no bowl of cherries

can i borrow a mirror i need to see if i look like i give a rats ass

sum*****

D minus dumb

aint drinkin fun

and my girlfriend mary likes to say
i was drunk you know it dont count when im drunk

k
[Reply]

"This is bullsh@t...smells like Cypress Hill concert in here!"
[Reply]

"I'd rather be lucky than good"

"I ain't often right but i'm never wrong"

"This is D-U-M dumb"

"Baby, you're pretty enough to make a good dog break its leash"

After something horrible or annoying happens to someone you say "It's ok to like it"
[Reply]

you did what in the where?

and

whatever floats your boat.
[Reply]

I'd like to see it from your side, but I'm not sure both our heads will fit up your arse. :-)
[Reply]

Thats some funny ship right there...
[Reply]

Don't question my sobriety when I'm drunk!
[Reply]

If you Fail to Prepare, Prepare to Fail
[Reply]

I'm out like a boner in sweatpants.

She's stroked more wood than a Furniture polisher.

You could tear up a crow bar in a sand pile.

A good sermon should be like a woman's shirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough the cover the essentials.

All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
[Reply]

When I'm in the middle of working on something which should be obvious to just about anyone and someone walks up and asks: "What are you doing?" my usual response is "Fvcking a duck, you wanna give me a hand here and grab some feathers?" while displaying the most psychotic smile and look I can muster.
[Reply]

:-) LMAO!
[Reply]

I use "busier than a cat covering chit on a hot tin roof" a lot.
At work, I've heard "looks like a lid off a can of f*ck" no less than a million times. It started with the sheet metal guys, and became the standard answer for pretty much everything. It still makes me smile.
[Reply]

"Go pound Sand"

One of my favorites

"Go Sh*t in your Hat"
[Reply]

That's about as useless as tits on a bull.
[Reply]