Your sister smokes corn silk.

Your sister drives a pickle wagon.

(both from a 1940s porky pig cartoon)
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About as useless as a puppy with two peters. (City Slickers) Still love that one.
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That'll put hair on your B@lls
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"So ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road"


"It don't TAKE all kinds, son, we just GOT all kinds!" (A friend's dad used to say that in reply to "Well, it takes all kinds.")
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Busier than a cat covering sh1t on a hot tin roof.
Like trying to stick a wet noodle up a wildcat's ass.
Don't know if your ass is punched or bored.
Hard as a diamond in an ice storm.
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About as sharp as a bowling ball....
A few fries short of a happy meal....
Looks like a goat rodeo..
We're off like a herd of turtles.
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Not the sharpest hoe in the row.
As bright as a bag of rocks.
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Like trying to herd cats.
A long row to hoe.
Folded like a cheap suit.
Be on you like white on rice.
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Heard and said more last night:

Nutty as a fruit cake.
Dry as a popcorn fart.
She's got snakes in her head.
Cool as a cucumber.
Dead as a doornail.
Dead as Abraham Lincoln.
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Hotter than the handle on the gates of Hell.
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Down in the dumps.
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Thick as the hair on a hog's back.
Manners of a hyena.
Cute as a button.
Ray Charles could see that.
If it was a snake it would have bitten you.
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I use this one all the time. Don't know where I picked it up...

Come hell or high water.
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Slicker than snot on a door knob
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Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Colder than a witche's t*t in a brass bra.
It's raining like a cow p*ssing on a flat rock.
Hotter than a whore on dollar night.
Worthless as a poop flavored lollipop.
Dumber than a stump.
Nuttier than squirrel turds.

To list a few. I love this thread
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More confused than a newborn in a topless bar.

$h!t or get off the pot.

You have to be 10% smarter than what you are working on.
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Want in one hand and chit in the other and see which one fills up first.
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Was (and is) one of my dad's favorites!
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My first sargent walked past me and a buddy of mine coming into the chow hall and said
"It'd take a full house to beat THIS pair." I always thought that was the best freaking line.
The military seems to be the birthplace of the wildest ones.
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Dense as pound cake.

Like fighting the Chinese army.

Hard as pushing chickens in a ditch.

Like a monkey peeing off a cliff...little bit go a long way.

Lower than whale $hit.

Went to $hit & the pigs ate ya.

Fell to the bottom of the pond & the catfish/carp ate ya.

Beat you like corndog batter/pancake batter/a rug.

Beat you til you smell like onions.
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