Well if you think that one was bad - here ya go :-)

Everyone knows the tale of the Swiss marksman William Tell, but some might not know he was a heck of a tenpin player. In fact his whole family were very gifted bowlers and all were on different teams in their town bowling league. They had a habit of always switching teams and it became so disconcerting the league administrators kicked them all out. William, The Clan Leader asks the president of the league why they were kicked out and the president talks about all te logistical problems with rosters, uniforms, team allegiance etc, etc and he sums it up saying:

We just can't figure out "For whom the Tells bowl"

Now that's bad!
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There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell... oh, the glorious smell!"
"Look Pepe," says the first man. "It's a bacon tree!"
"You're right!" says Pepe, "We're saved!"
Pepe doesn't wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"
And with his dying breath Pepe calls back: "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree after all..."

"...its a ham bush!"
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Bob had just let the dog in from outside one autumn afternoon when Lisa noticed her behaving strangely. "Hey, Bob," Lisa asked, "could you check Tasha? I think she has fleas."

So Bob went over and started looking through Tasha's fur coat. He found she had picked up a couple of ticks and he noticed her dog tags had just come loose. Then he saw not fleas, but small white bugs in her fur. "Darn!" said Bob. "What?" asked Lisa.

"She's got two ticks in her hair, with lice! Help me find her tags in the leaves outside."
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From the funny Pics thread...
Image
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So a seal walks into a club......
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Just in case that last one I composed went by:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYEgYVyBDuM

I've been thinking in haiku lately, so......

Candle making class
Too late because of long nap
No wicks for rested
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:-) :-)
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What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?




I can clearly see you're nuts!
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Two pieces of rope walked by a bar. One piece of rope says to the other "I'd like to go in and have a beer". The other piece of ropes says "They don't serve rope in that bar". The 1st piece of rope says "I'm going to give it a try". He walks in and says "barkeep, give me a beer.". The barkeep says "Are you a peice of rope?". The piece of rope says "Yes". The barkeep says "Get out, we don't serve rope here!". The piece of rope goes out and rejoins his friend and says "I really want a beer". The piece of rope then ties himself into a knot and pulls all the strings at one of his ends into a big mess. He then walks into the bar:

Rope: "Barkeep, give me a beer"
Barkeep: "Are you a piece of rope?"
Rope: "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

MCS
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A bear walked into a bar and sat down. He banged on the bar with his paw and demanded a beer.

The bartender approached and said, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear, becoming angry, once again demanded a beer.

The bartender again told him, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear, very angry now, said, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender once again said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana."

The bear went to the end of the bar and, as he had promised, ate the woman. He came back to his seat, and again demanded a beer.

The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana, that are on drugs."

The bear said, " I'm not on drugs."

The bartender said, "Yes you are. That was a bar b!tch you ate."
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WILD WAY TO FIX AC


Smitty was a heating and cooling technician. His assistant was a small chimpanzee he had trained to do all the duct work. The chimp had no fear of heights or confined spaces, and besides, he didn't have to be paid.


One day, Smitty got a call from a customer who said his air conditioner had broken down. Smitty went over and discovered some defective ducting. The customer asked if it would be hard to fix.



"No problem," replied Smitty, "I have a little duct ape that will take care of it!"
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A BELL-Y SHAKER
For years, the campanile rang beautifully, under the guidance of a master bell ringer. But one day, the bell ringer fell from the tower, dying instantly.

The distraught bishop advertised for a replacement. The next day, the bell ringer's brother appeared and requested an audition. The bishop sadly took him to the tower.

As the man bent to lift the hammer, he suffered a heart attack. He, too, plunged to his death.
A monk ran up the stairs and said to the bishop, "My God! How terrible! What was his name?"
Replied the weeping bishop, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
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