The thought that you'd risk your life and permanent disability over talking to a professional that can help you really reflects on your current mental state. Not to rain on your parade, but you could really use physiological services available to you.

If you can walk, go to the bathroom, eat and sleep, the surgery can wait. You have to deal with the real issues at hand and then you’ll be able to make a clear headed decision and game plan. Hiding from issues and thinking absurdity are not the way to deal with such important issues.
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Moses, the surgery has been planned for awhile at the advice of both my GP and the surgeon, who is VERY highly skilled in the field, especially concerning cerebral palsy. I may have made it out to be worse than it is on the board, but I am sure he knows very well what he's going to do, and I will be informed the whole way through.

He's a very compassionate man, and the surgery simply consists of gently cutting the cords of my heels to help relax the taut muscles, since I walk painfully on my toes. He is also going to do the same to my hamstrings, which I assume are connected somehow. He is also going to separate the skin between the toes on my feet that cross over; when I walk, they rub and blister.

With flatter and surer footing, I may be able to learn to walk 'normally,' heel-toe, like someone without my physical issues. It will also help my posture straighten, which will relieve my back ache, and probably my entire demeanor as I work towards making things easier for myself through physical therapy. My balance and unaided walking will be smoother - currently, I can't stand without a support, and that's not good enough for me. It'd be nice to have two free hands when carrying bags indoors in the wintertime.

I only have minor depression, and that outburst was a one-night thing. My mood is fine, and I am not hiding anything. I believe I'm just stressed because my back always aches, and I was having troubles in school because of it, so college is on hiatus. My surgeon is also going to refer me to a specialist who may insert a small device into my lower back. The device contains a painkiller, and is basically like a pill, only it's more effective, and without the side effects of the drug going through my body. Every so often, it will need to be refilled.

The large possibility of me living with much less pain after the surgery is a wise decision, and yes, it does reflect my mental state, very rationally; I'm twenty years old and I'm working towards living a normal life, where I can get out and about more easily and do the things most people take for granted with less of an issue.

I'm by no means 'crazy,' and part of me simply wanted the testing out of curiosity, as my mood has been fine. I assure you, I'm not just rushing into things; I've been disabled since birth, and I am continually seeking new options to better myself and live a happier and more productive lifestyle. Having basic abilities is not a final answer - if there is an improvement that can be made, by all means, take it. If a door creaks, you oil it, if a car doesn't stop on a dime, you replace the brakes.
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