My butt itches.
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Tighter than a virgin on prom night
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Sweating like a whore in Church
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"Gone like a Homecoming Queens virginity on Prom night"

My Dad also loves to say, "I wouldn't **** you, you're my favorite turd."

This thread brings a lot of memories up :-)
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I don't know whether to sh1t or wind my watch.
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About as funny as a fart at a funeral.

He dropped a proverbial turd in the punch bowl.

You're rude and unattractive.
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LOL @ #3


Bout as funny as a heart attack.
Doesn't know his ass from his elbow.
Doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
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Put the shovel down, Chief.
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This isn't Rocket surgery.
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Favorite :-)
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Had a shop teacher that used several, but one that remains:

Roller skating with a heard of water buffalo
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you don't know ch!t from shinola

don't go gallivanting off now

put that in your pipe and smoke it

caviar dreams on a fishmongers wage

he went ash over tea kettle
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I just say: Off, like a prom dress.

I also like "Crap-tacular".
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A couple of my dad's favorites.

That'll put lead in your pencil.
You're full of piss and vinegar.
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Had our weekly men's meeting last night and I actually paid attention to what was being said. Tons of them thrown out.

First off talking about Viagra prescriptions (one of the guys HAD to elaborate) -
Hard as ten dollars worth of jawbreakers.
So hard a cat couldn't scratch it.
Couldn't turn the skin on it with a Sears wrench.

Others:
Happy as a mule eating briars.
Gotta pi$$ like a Russian racehorse.
Happy as a clam at high tide.
$20? I'd pay $20 to see a monkey f*ck a football.
Whip you like a red-headed stepchild.
So hungry I could the a$$ out of a Raggedy Ann Doll.
Does a cat have a climbing gear?
If? If my aunt had nuts she'd be my uncle.

Also the word $hit has tons of meanings:
Dumb as...
Hot as...
Cold as...
Drunk as...
The list goes on and on.
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So hungry I could eat the a$$ out of a dead horse.
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So hungry I could eat the south end of a north bound cow.
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Pissing up a rope.
Frogstrangler outside (raining hard)
Raining like pouring pi$$ out of a boot on a flat rock.
Can't find his a$$ with both hands.
Weak as a kitten.
You might? Mites are on a chicken's a$$.
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Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Not the brightest bulb on the tree.

Uglier than a bag of farts.

I use this one all the time with my daughter.

"You're so pretty"
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Sweating like a whore in church
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