The first 12 are actual comments made on students' report cards by
teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were
reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!
1 Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Somewhere, somehow your son is depriving a village of an 'idiot'.
5. Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails
to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingy to
hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.
11. it's impossible to believe the 1 sperm that created this child
beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.
These Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around
the country:
1. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through.'
2. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch
after awhile.'
3. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document.'
4. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
5. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
6. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
7. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?'
8. 'Warning! You want a warning? OK. I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket.'
9. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
10. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you
go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
poop.'
11. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven.'
12. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
13. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
14. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
15. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here.'
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