What those spectacular ads are really saying:
ADORABLE - Too tacky to be kitsch
ACTUAL SHIPPING CHARGE - You'll pay every last dime including the parking meter at the PO
ANCIENT - Grandma owned it
ANTIQUE - Mom owned it
BEAUTIFUL - If you think rust is art
BRILLIANT SHINE - My buffer really did a number on this
CHECK MY FEEDBACK - All the Negs are on my other accounts
CIVIL WAR - Made in India last month (India is always in civil war)
COLLECTIBLE - I have WAY too many
CUTE - Butt-Ugly
CLEAN PER EBAY - I wore these panties on a hot date
DON'T MISS THIS ONE! - Somebody PLEASE buy it
EXCEPTIONAL - Has everything except what you hoped
FABULOUS - This auction required a totally imaginative description
FINE - New paint didn't hide the glue joints
FUSION - Tasteless
GREAT CONDITION - The dog seldom used it for a chew toy
GREAT CONDITION FOR ITS AGE - Barely recognizeable
GREAT ITEM! - Every customer handles it; no one buys
HTF - Hard to Find Only 3 others for sale when I posted the auction
HOT! - I shilled this item with my 30 bogus registrations
I WAS TOLD THIS IS ... - No one bid when I said what it really is
L@@K - This item has nothing going for it (see MUST SEE)
LE - Limited Edition - Only 4 million before they stopped numbering them
MIB - Mashed In Box
MINT - Meticulously cleaned
NEAR MINT - Wouldn't quite clean-up
MINTY - (A red flag) Suggestive, meaningless word used by devious sellers and cheats
NEEDS POLISHING - Oh how I tried, but the finish is shot
NEEDS TLC - Like King Kong needs a shave. Where to begin?
MUST SEE - This item has nothing going for it (see L@@K)
NICE - Dumping it because I got a better one for my collection
NR - No Reserve - I used a whopping opening bid instead
NOS - New Old Stock is often Nasty Old Schlock
OLD - Useless then, useless now
VERY OLD - Useless for generations
ONE OF A KIND - I have no idea what this is
PATINA - Rust never sleeps (see WONDERFUL PATINA)
PERFECT - It is for all I know; I've never seen another
PRIMATIVE - Untalented, unskilled, unschooled art
PRISTINE - All remnants of mouse feces came off in the washer
UNUSUAL - Only 4 others for sale when I posted the auction
RARE - Only 2 others for sale when I posted the auction
VERY RARE - Only 1 other for sale when I posted the auction
SUPER RARE - This is the only one for sale today (so far)
UNIQUE - Only one of these for sale in at least 14 days
STUNNING - Garish
WONDERFUL PATINA - I polished the rust (see PATINA)
SHELF PIECE - Damage visible on one side only
UNBELIEVABLE - The description doesn't fit my item in any way
VINTAGE - Made way, way back in the 1980s when I was born
WONDERFUL - You'll forever wonder why
WOW!!! - I'm SO desperate to dump this
Now that you're armed... HAPPY SHOPPING!!
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