I belive some recent research sugested that those who had pledged abstinence (and got the ring etc), actually became sexually active earlier than those who didn't.

I can't find a link for it at this time - so it could be :-)
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There are probably examples either way.

My wife and I felt it was important to remain sexually pure before marriage, so we put the boundaries at not even kissing before marriage. That is a bit extreme, and it was very difficult, but we can honestly tell our children that it can be done.

Either way, I think a promise ring and talk is just "smoke" to the teens if they don't share your convictions.

It would be like me telling all of you that you should remain "sexually pure" until marriage. Doesn't mean a damn if you don't believe what I do even though I have the experience to say it can be done and feel strongly about it.
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Is it too early to get my 3yr old one? :-)
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i've seen both sides of this and if you're leaving this upto a ring you've already failed. please note i'm saying anything directly about the TS here. Talk with her, express your views that she should wait till marriage, wait till she's really in love, whatever your views here are. If she wants the ring get her one, if not then don't.

Just know that even if she shares your views now, she may not in 3+ years. Keep talking to her about it but let her know that when she decides the time is right she should be safe and you hope that she feels comfortable talking to you about it. ring or no ring you need to talk to her. *


*this advice is coming from someone with no kids, who doesn't want kids, and hopes to never have kids. Though I do teach highschool, i'm only 26 and I've had more then a few g/fs and seen several different parenting styles
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Interesting.
Congrats to you for sticking with your convictions.

While it can be done, as with anything, like say go to Harvard and graduate number one in your class, as difficult as the latter is, I find your the task you achieved that much more difficult. I further find that to expect many to uphold that similar set of values in today's world is unrealistic. Certainly shoot for the stars but realize a pea shooter may not get you there. Realize that while that was important to you, the fond memories of sitting under a tree with my wife when we were initially falling in love and making out is something very natural you chose to miss out on but the majority really won't.

It is amazing how one event can change your life, your opinions and how you perceive things from there on in. When I learned of my daughter's situation, I was floored and the wife and I were depressed for months.
Now? I realize what a blessing my grandson has turned out to be. He is my life and that of my wife.

I now realize that my values are just that, my values.
My children have their own minds and have their own sets of values, hopefully more in line with mine, but absolutely 100% theirs. I learned I should not judge them but rather accept them for what they are, individuals with their own sets of values. I learned to love them and support them regardless of not doing what I thought was right and wrong, especially someone older than 18, who can be asked to fight for the freedom of this great land.
She is a wonderful mother and acting and looking more like her mother every day.

I have a colleague who just learned her 15 yr old is having sex. This person is a good, conservative person with deep rooted values. Happens to all of us. It is not cancer, it is not a life threatening condition. It is sex. Something we all enjoy.

So folks, my message to you all on this is be realistic. Convey your thoughts, morals, values, etc. However, expect them to act according to what they want to do and realize that perhaps this whole not having sex thing is a lie for the most part. This is coming to you from a guy that was totally fooled in believing his daughter was not having sex. I was not born yesterday and am no dummy. If it happened to me, it is happening to you.
Also remember, as defined by our former President Bill, their interpretation of sex may not be the same as yours.
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Too true. I teach middle school and have learned that many teens who insist they are "abstinent" do not consider oral sex to be contradictory to that.

I agree that not even kissing before marriage is waaaay extreme. I have many friends who are not married and engage in that and more. The not kissing for us was not based on a moral aversion to kissing. Lacking self-discipline myself, it was where we decided we needed to draw the line to achieve our real goal of no sex before marriage.


I find it interesting that the topic of religion has not been brought up in this interesting discussion.

It really matters WHY you think abstinence is important and do your children also ascribe to that belief.

For instance, I believe it is taught in the bible and right for living a christian life (you may disagree or not). If my children are ascribing to christian values and desire to live a godly life as I believe it to be defined in the bible, then their view of sex before marriage doesn't matter; I should be encouraging them to remain abstinent as a function of their belief.

To me, this goes beyond the "sex before marriage is bad" idea. If my teens do not believe as I do, then there is no motivation for them to remain abstinent. This argument particularly applies to things such as sex and drugs, both of which have a lot of pleasure associated with them and which are automatically reinforcing behaviors.

Bottom line, if you don't believe what I believe, there is no reason or need for us to agree (though we may agree). Same is true for our children.
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You are so on point.
Looking back, I often wonder what I could have done differently.
Monday morning quarterbacking is something that will haunt parents invariably. You always try to make the right decision but can so many times wonder how else you could have handled it and hopefully learn from that.
I don't think girls will open up frankly to dads on this subject. You will likely get lies. I think moms need to take a better approach during those critical years. The problem is that most kids in their teens see their parents as the enemy since you are trying to steer them in your direction and not necessarily in the one they may wish to go to. Most girls see moms as a battle ground. The challenge is to break all that down.
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My Rebekah is 12 going on 21. She's made the decision on her own and we've talked about it at length.
I hope it sticks.
I think the ring is a nice idea. Never heard of it. I bet she'd treasure it.
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I think wearing a ring to signify a decision like that one is a little weird! But other than that I think the most important thing is to talk to them about sex. Do not make it some mystery, or seem dirty and bad. Let them know why sex is important and why it is important to wait. Making sex seem scary does not work! Kind of got off topic there...I apologize, but scaring kids about things sex and drugs is ineffective in my opinion. It is educating and discussing these things that works!
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You are right. Teens naturally gravitate towards risky behaviors as they learn to exercise independence. The riskier you make sex and drugs appear, the more appeal they may have towards teens.
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For my daughter, it is a way to tell the guys she is waiting. But the most important part of the ring is to keep talking as loki said. There is a very big diffrence what a 13 you thinks and what a 15 you thinks. I am bless that my daughter talks to me. And I will understand if she doesn't tell me when she desides to loose her virginity. That can be a very personal choice and she will be 21 soon and a full adult.
We can only tell them what we think and why, the rest is up to them.

Laura
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