1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Joel woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. ...That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD-40.
4. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? 'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!
6. The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, ...or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
9. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, ...soldier on!"
10. I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast all day now.
11. Bought the misses a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
12. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
13. My misses packed my bags and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "...So now you want me to stay!"
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:-)