One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you
last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
"'No,' she answered. I then said,
"Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
______________________________ __
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
______________________________ __
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high
school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man
swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to
drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go
on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
______________________________ __
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But,
somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always
something more important to me. Finally she thought
of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in
the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair
of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short
time and then went into the house. I was gone only a
minute and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always
have a limp.
______________________________ __
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping
channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
______________________________ __
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed,
made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I
hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to
back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day. I went back into the house,
quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there
is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you
believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
______________________________ __
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0
to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________ __
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
______________________________ __
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom
mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really
need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started.
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
and that's when the fight started
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy ****. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
and that's when the fight started
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It was the middle of summer and very hot. I asked my wife: - "Honey, it's very hot and I need to cut the lawn. What do you think the neighbors will say if I go out naked?"
My wife looked at me for a few seconds and said: - " They'll say that I probably married you for money ..."
and that's when the fight started...
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I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And that’s when the fight started…..
[Reply]
